some info about me...

. Your name plus "ly"?
- JABSON-LY

2.Two feelings at the moment?
- tired but happy (also wasted?

3. What are you listening to right now?
- yung tunog ng keyboard...

4. Done anything you regret so far this
week?
- wala pa naman

5. Describe where you are right now?
- maraming computers, onti ng tao

6.The highlight of your week?
- process meeting was a smash, church anniv tomorrow

7. What are you craving to have right
now?
- mangga't bagong

8. Who were the last people you ate
with?
- the kids

9. What are you scared of?
- magalit si Lord sa akin..

10. Last movie you watched?
- sa dvd, nde movie eh "couple or trouble"

11. Last song you sang out loud?
- make me a servant

13. Are you thinking of someone right
now?
- yes

14. Who is the last person you talked
to?
- yung taga-rito sa computer shop

15. Last thing you downloaded on your
computer?
- wala

16. Have you changed much this year?
- siguro (?)

19. Hug or kiss
- warm embrace

23. Who was the last person to text
you?
- tristan

24. Where was the last place you went
besides where you are?
- church

25. Has anyone ever said you looked
like a celeb?
- yep... kamukha ko raw si Angelina Jolie!

26. Do you speak any other language
other than english?
- nope, but i want to learn

27 . watched TV?
- yes, of course

28. Do you dress for style or comfort?
- COMFORT.

tired but happy

i have been deprived of sleep for the last three days...
malabo na nga ang tingin ko sa computer screen while i am writing this entry..

but i wanted to share something.

GOD IS WONDERFUL.
JESUS IS BEAUTIFUL.

i am so touched with the song, "Beautiful"
simple, yet it satisfies the reality that only He can make beautiful things in my life.

To others, life may seem unfair, and cruel at its worst.
But God never said that it'll be easy.
It is a comfort that He is alive and that He is always there.

I am not a perfect person...
nor a strong one (well, i really thought i was a toughie before)
but when Jesus found me
He gave my life a purpose.

I can stand not because I am stong,
I can speak out not because I am wise,
I can buy things not because I am rich,
but it is ALL because of His grace.

I praise You Jesus...
not because of the great things You did for me
but because of who You are.

I laugh because of You
I sing because of You
I teach because of You
I love because of You

I live because of You.

Hope this entry will be an inspiration for you and for myself when I feel down.
Amen

>x((((("> credo <")))))x<

ayokong dumating sa punto na maging routine na lang ang lahat ng gawain ko sa buhay,
ayokong patuloy na lang umagos sa takbo ng mundo...

gusto ko ng isang buhay na well-spent.
gusto ko na ang bawat minuto - bawat segundo ng aking hininga ay makabuluhan - buhay.

hindi ko inaasahan na sa gagawin kong ito - magiging matagumpay ako.
hindi sa lahat ng pagkaataon ako ang nagwawagi.

pero alam ko na sa biyaya ng Dios, kaya ako makakatayo
at magpapatuloy.

iiwanan ko na ang nakaraan.
iiwanan ko na ang mga alaalang hindi naman makakatulong sa aking pagharap sa buhay.
iiwanan ko na rin ang mga pangarap na hindi naman karapat-dapat.

magpapatuloy akong
manampalataya at magtiwala
magmahal at umibig
magsaya at lumuha

LOVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BROKEN

august entry

this is my first-ever entry for the month of August... (grabe!)
lately kasi, lagi akong nagmamadali na gumawa ng church program - no time to write here.

Lord, sana naman po ay ibigay Mo na sa akin ang hinihiling kong laptop....

Hindi pa ako natutulog mula nang umuwi ako galing work. Napapagod na ako. Minsan (actually, lately, madalas) gusto ko nang sumuko. Nakakapagod na kasi. Ayaw ko namang mag-reklamo, pero nahihirapan na ako. Iniisip ko lang, kapag sumuko ako, maraming tao ang umaasa sa akin. Siguro, kaya binigay sa akin ni God si nano para hindi maging wayward ang klase ng pamumuhay ko. Ok na rin 'yung ganito. Aalis na lang ako sa 'sitwasyon' na ito kapag sinabi na ni God sa akin. Anyway, kaya naman ako nabubuhay dahil sa Kaniya.

Kahapon, nanaginip ako ng 2 panaginip.

(1) Ang setting ay Korea, marunong daw akong mag-Korean (naks!) tapos ang naalala kong ending, pupunta ako sa isang lugar tapos yung lugar na yun may 'story' behind the name. Nanggaling daw yung name nung lugar na yon sa isang 'napakagandang bulaklak'. Although maganda yung bulaklak na yun, meron daw 2 smaller (and of course, mas pangit) na flowers ang nagsasabi/nag-uutos sa kaniya kung paano niya po-protektahan yung sarili niya. After some time, meron daw 2 kids na binunot yung magandang bulaklak. Pinulot daw ng isang lalaki yung bulaklak tapos inilagaan....

when i woke up, i received a message from someone i know- message was "hus dis?"

(2) Nagugutom daw ako and I ended up in a cafeteria - pero hindi ako nakakain kasi merong mga girls na sobrang bully. Yung cafeteria owner happens to be a taxi driver too and since male-late ako pagpasok, sumakay na ako sa taxi niya. And weird part, nakahiga raw ako sa taxi, and to make the long story short, the driver attempted to rape me (which until now gives me goosebumps!), mind you, habang nasa biyahe ito ha! nasira ko raw yung taxi, nakalabas ako tapos raw yung kasunod na car happens to be driven by a policeman. Pinasakay ako nung policeman. Out of nowhere, comes another guy na tinulungan ako (can't remember kung papaano) tapos sumakay din sa car nung policeman. Tinakluban ako ng puting kumot nung guy kasi, hinahabol daw ako ng tingin nung driver. nasa likod ako nung lalaki, him facing the taxi driver - tinatago niya ako from the driver...

weird hindi ba?

ANYWAY, lalayas na ako rito.

-mapapa-print pa ako ng program

-maglilinis pa ako ng church

-bibili pa ako ng bombilya at ikakabit ko pa

-papakainin ko pa si nano

-maglalaba pa ako

-maghuhugas ng pinggan

-magtuturo ng mga bata

at maraming pang iba!

WALANG TUUUULLLUUUGGGAAAANNNNN!!!!

.: random rants:.

namimiss ko pa rin si rogie. ang laki talaga nang nawala sa buhay ko. but i have finally realized na "wala na nga talaga" .. based sa mga pinapakita niya sa akin at ugali niya towards sa akin, pati sa mga pananalita niya sa akin kapag kaming dalawa lang ang nag-uusap - ibang-iba na talaga. ayoko lang ng ganito ako, maraming pagkakataon kasi sa buhay ko na 'hopeful' pa rin ako na babalik siya sa akin, but it seems na hindi ganun ang mangyayari - ever.

ipokrita ako kung sasabihin kong ok lang, kasi hindi naman talaga OK. pero, wala naman na talaga akong magagawa. (eto yung 'worst' part nun - yung wala akong magawa.)

gusto kong magsulat ng marami pero nagugutom ako.
grabe, as in.
(kakain muna ako)

kristiyano o Kristiyano?

minsan, nahihirapan akong ipagmalaki na Kristiyano ako.
paano ba naman, marami akong ugaling "basag" gaya ng sobrang mainitin ang ulo, kulang sa pasensiya, at walang self control (lalo na kapag nagagalit)... kaya nagiging questionable si Christ sa buhay ko...

gusto kong isisi sa iba kung bakit ako nagkakaganito - kasi iniwanan nila ako, hindi nila ako mahal, o kung mahal man eh hindi naman nila ipinapakita o ipinapadama sa akina ang pagmamahal na iyon, at maraming-marami pang puwedeng maging dahilan - pero lahat ng ito ay isisisi ko pa rin sa aking sarili.

napakadali naman kasing sabihin ng mga "nagmamagaling" na tingnan mo ang mga bagay na mayroon ka -- na kung hindi man naibibigay ng isang partikular na 'grupo' ng tao ang pagmamahal at atensiyon na hinahanap mo, at least meron pa namang ibang grupo na nagpaparamdam ng suporta at pang-unawa nila sa iyo. madali LANG sabihin na andiyan naman si God na hindi nang-iwan kahit kailan lalo na kapag nag-iisa ka.... pero ang totoo, naghahanap ka ng actuwal na atensiyon - hindi theoretical.

ang gulu-gulo ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. parang kanina lang, i had a great time during the children's party tapos ngayon, basag na basag ang pakiramdam ko. pakiramdam ko, araw-araw na lang sinusubok ang pasensiya ko, para akong gini-grill at tine-test, na lagi akong nag-uundergo ng persecution - haaaaaayyyy....

tapos, makakarinig ka pa ng 'comment' sa isang taong mas masahol pa ang pag-uugali sa iyo - na para bang siya ay napakagalang sa kaniyang ama eh kapag Sunday nga ng umaga, ni hindi man lang pagbuksan ng pintuan.

naiinis ako.
hindi ko maipagtanggol ang sarili ko.

naiinis ako kasi
wala na akong peace sa buhay ko.

naiinis ako
kasi lagi na lang akong iniiwanan.

naiinis ako
...kasi wala akong magawa para mabago ang takbo ng buhay ko.
...kasi mahina ang pananampalataya ko
...kasi hindi ko maipadama sa Kaniya na mahal ko Siya
...kasi hindi ako maka-let go sa bitterness na meron ako ngayon
...kasi hindi ko nagawa ang pinakamainam ko sa kaniya during our relationship

naiinis ako

tulungan ninyo ako.
kailangan ko ng tulong...

the morning he said he'll never come back to me, i broke down. it's as if i lost an integral part of my life (which is actually true) - i lost my life's other half. i cried so hard, i fervently prayed and honestly opened myself to Him. i told Him, "i don't know what to do without him," that "i'll be a better person just give me one more chance (once LAST chance) with him and so on - i tried to bargain with God, because He is the only One who could make a difference. After hours of what seem to be eternity, i finally stopped crying and let Him soothe me. Memories came to me - it's as if I'm watching my life from a third person's view. those were memories of what i used to be when i was so much involved serving Him... those were the days when nothing else mattered to me but make Him happy.

it dawned to me. He was never the center of our relationship - it's as if He's merely an audience. and deep in my heart, i know that God never meant relationships to be that way - because He wants to be an active participant in our daily lives, day and night. that's why it happened. that's why we ended up parting ways.

i never imagined things to end this way (who would have, anyway) but i guess there's a bigger picture that i need to see - more than just the two of us.

this does not mean that life is better off without him.

this does not mean that the year we have spent together will be forgotten - because he is a person you cannot easily forget, and besides, i don't want to forget. it's just that life would never be the same without him.

while i am writing this, i want him back. but i know i can't , because he does not want to - anymore.

so i am back to the drawing board again -

all i have is a jar full of messages

a song left unheard

and a silent prayer that someday, somehow our love will bring us back together.

pray for me.