the morning he said he'll never come back to me, i broke down. it's as if i lost an integral part of my life (which is actually true) - i lost my life's other half. i cried so hard, i fervently prayed and honestly opened myself to Him. i told Him, "i don't know what to do without him," that "i'll be a better person just give me one more chance (once LAST chance) with him and so on - i tried to bargain with God, because He is the only One who could make a difference. After hours of what seem to be eternity, i finally stopped crying and let Him soothe me. Memories came to me - it's as if I'm watching my life from a third person's view. those were memories of what i used to be when i was so much involved serving Him... those were the days when nothing else mattered to me but make Him happy.

it dawned to me. He was never the center of our relationship - it's as if He's merely an audience. and deep in my heart, i know that God never meant relationships to be that way - because He wants to be an active participant in our daily lives, day and night. that's why it happened. that's why we ended up parting ways.

i never imagined things to end this way (who would have, anyway) but i guess there's a bigger picture that i need to see - more than just the two of us.

this does not mean that life is better off without him.

this does not mean that the year we have spent together will be forgotten - because he is a person you cannot easily forget, and besides, i don't want to forget. it's just that life would never be the same without him.

while i am writing this, i want him back. but i know i can't , because he does not want to - anymore.

so i am back to the drawing board again -

all i have is a jar full of messages

a song left unheard

and a silent prayer that someday, somehow our love will bring us back together.

pray for me.