....

i am back - half dead, half alive...

inasmuch as i want to say that i am doing pretty good- well, unfortunately I AM NOT. Had i logged in a week earlier or so, i'd probably say everything's fine and ok... not until LAST SATURDAY... when i found out something that broke my heart the nth time.

i know i shouldn't feel like this anymore, but i do. i know that i shouldn't have acted the way i did last sunday night but... well it happened. i feel sad and bad about it.

a few days ago before saturday... i heard this wonderful quote from ONE TREE HILL..
"EVERYDAY YOU WAIT IS ANOTHER DAY YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK AGAIN"

Ang sabi ko pa sa sarili ko, "Is this God's way of telling me that I have to do something? so that in the end, i wouldn't feel any regret at all?" After contemplating, i decided na sasabihin ko sa kaniya na I MISS HIM, I STILL LOVE HIM and I WANT HIM BACK. i would do anything, and everything para maging maayos kami. Even if it means waiting for him. ayoko na kasing maghanap ng iba.

And then saturday. A friend told me nagbigay siya ng teddy bear to some girl. FINALLY sunday came and he told our friends na meron na ngang iba.

I FELT NUMB. and STUPID. Ang pathetic ko talaga. I mean, people (close friends actually) say that he's not even worth it. but here i am - i waited for him for more than a year.. and all of those days went down the drain.

what can i say? masochist nga yata talaga ako,,,

and then i realized the other side of the quote
"EVERYDAY YOU WAIT IS ANOTHER DAY YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK AGAIN"

i will never get back those days that i have waited for him. and yes, sinayang ko ang mga araw thinking if him, how happy we would be kapag bumalik siya sa akin - sinayang ko ang mga sulat na sinulat ko para sa kaniya... sinayang ko ang mga kantang nilikha ko para kantahin sa kaniya kapag naging maayos na ang lahat. sinayang ko ang mga luha, mga dalangin, ang ilang oras na pagluhod na sana maging maayos ang lahat para sa amin.. sinayang ko ang mga pangarap.

next time (kung meron pang darating)
i'll make sure na mahal niya ako at mahal ko rin siya at mahal na mahal namin ang Panginoon. i'll still be waiting for him - the RIGHT person. yung totoong magmamahal sa akin - hindi lang puro pangako at salita.

pag-ibig, kasal atbp

nagtititingin-tingin ako ng friendster account ng ilang mga 'kaibigan' at tumambad sa akin ang ilang kakilala na kamakailan lang ay kinasal, may mga iba naman na nagpaplano nang magpakasal. minsan na rin ako nakapunta sa kasal ng isang kasama sa opisina - at sobrang na-overwhelm ako sa ganda ng kasal nila (yung gustung-gusto kong part duon eh yung lahat ng anggulo ng kasal nila at may 'personal touch')...

and of course, ang lagi namang end-efffect nito sa mga single (and graying) na katulad ko eh ang bulong sa sarili na, "when will it be my turn?"

hindi ko naman talaga pinangarap ang engrandeng kasal. sabi ko nga, ok ako sa huwes ikasal (pareho lang naman yun - at the end of the day, kasal na kayo sa mata ng Dios at ng tao!)... aba! kung wala ka namang extra tapos ipapang-utang mo ang pangkasal mo, parang kawawa naman kayong mag-asawa kasi hindi pa naman kayo nakakapagsimula, baon na kayo sa utang. ang sa ajin - kung walang pera na extra, mag-huwes basta sigurado lang na may uuwian kayong bahay na kumpleto ang gamit.

but lately, nag-iba ang ihip ng hangin.

parang ang sarap mangarap ng isang engrandeng kasal - na lahat ng mahal ninyo sa buhay ay sasaksi sa inyong pag-iisang dibdib. yung mga taong in one way or another naging kabahagi ninyo sa inyong relasyon. naiisip ko, higit sa pagpapakilala sa lahat na kayo ay iisa na, ang pagpapakasal ay isang pagpapasalamat sa mga taong naging kaagapay ninyong dalawa - para bang "thanksgiving blowout"...

haaaayyyy..... ang saya siguro nun!

hopeless romantic...

"kailan ka kaya darating?
magkikita pa ba tayo?
ilang taon pa ba kita hihintayin?"

katulad ba kita na pagdating sa usapin ng puso ay na-uumid ang dila? ikaw ba yung tao na akala ng iba eh, super strong pero pagdating sa pag-ibig eh, tatanga-tanga?! you desperately (shucks, desperada talaga ang lolah!) want to share your life (and what's left in it - coz, ur old already *sigh*), but can't seem to find the "ONE"...

aynako! bakit ba kailangang hintayin yang L%###!!! the ONE na yan... kung pwede naman si "kuwan"? well, good point right? why wait for that ONE when you can meet "kuwan", or how about "phwang" or kung sinu-sino pang -wan???

well, hindi ba you're "worth the wait"? hindi ka ba deserving to be loved by that special someone - yung nga yung "the ONE"...????

sa totoo lang, ang hirap kasing maghintay.... lalo na kapag yung mga tao sa paligid mo, magka-holding hands... may "kasama" sa kahit anong lakad (ultimo pagbili ng suka sa suking sari-sari store!) hindi ba masarap yung idea na at the end of the day, meron kang nilu-look-forward na tinig over the phone? every morning you wake up and see sweet messages na tipo bang mabubulong mo sa sarili mo na, "wow! sarap talaga mabuhay!"? tapos you find yourself smiling kahit wala namang worth smiling for (sa hirap ba naman ng buhay ngayon no!) but you still find your self smiling.... hindi ba nakakakilig na kahit gaano pa kataas ang preseyo ng bigas, you don't worry, as long as may kasalo ka sa pagkain ng mainit na NFA rice at bagong pritong tuyo with suka on the side...?

well, what do you think?
maghihintay ka ba kay ONE or "try" every "wans" that come your way?

emptiness

isa na namang buwan ang dumaan sa buhay ko

lately, madalas kong nararamdaman ang hindi maipaliwanag na kakulangan sa buhay ko -- hindi ko kayang i-describe yung ganitong feeling; probably longingness, loneliness, perhaps emptiness...

akala ko, pagkatapos ang unos sa buhay ko, maaayos nang lahat... inisip ko na tapos na ang mga bagay na nagpapabigat ng damdamin ko at nagpapagulo sa isipan ko... hindi pa pala.

minsan, hindi ko na alam kung saan o kung kanino tatakbo. mapapansin ko na lang ang sarili ko na naluluha habang nakasakay sa fx papuntang opisina, o hindi makatulog o madalas hindi makakain...

marami akong gustong marating - lugar, mga pangarap, mga nais gawin - para sa sarili ko. iniisip ko, pag naabot ko na ba ang mga iyon, makakaramdam na nga ba ako ng kasiyahan? o ng kabuuan?

meron bang babasa ng mga ito? meron bang nakakaintindi? meron kayang sasagot at sasabihin sa akin na, "kaibigan, wag kang mag-alala... andito lang ako tyn.."

minsan, ayaw ko nang sumulat dito - kasi para akong nagsusulat sa hangin. ayaw kong isipin na mag-isa talaga ako. pero mukhang ganun yata...

naguguluhan
ako
at
nalulungkot
ang
puso
ko....


=(

...buhay pa ako...

yes,
i am alive.

sa mga taong nagtatanong if i still exist
yep.

sa mga taong gustong mabura na ako sa mundo...
well, sorry...

but i need to go..
NOW.

random rants

Ang galing talaga ni God, super!

Just want you to share what I just read a few minutes ago..
"the church focuses, generally, on issues like 'how to gain a good self-image' or 'how to be more effective in prayer' than it does to know God"
tama naman db?
masyado tayong nakatingin sa numbers, sa material things, when we should be concentrating on God and God alone. Takot tayo sa sasabihin ng iba, sa opinyon ng tao pero sa ang opinyon ni God ang nasasakripisyo...

strangers are angels

i have never been fond of talking to strangers... (yun bang.. ikaw yung unang makikipag-usap sa isang taong right then and there mo lang nakita/nakilala)

first, suplada lang talaga ako (i am sure a lot of you won't believe it, but yes.. i am suplada!)
second, hindi ko lang talaga feel na makipag-usap sa isang taong totally unknown to me - parang ang weird na bigla na lang ikaw feeling close sa someone na you've just meet, say, 2-3 minutes ago.

but God spoke to me in a different way...

umalis kami nina nessa para mag-take out sa mcdo - not knowing that God will speak to me in a manner that'll make me grin until now - so ayun nga.. we went out, shempre, yung guy (whoever he is) was with his manager at that time. nung tatanungin na ng crew kung ano ang order ko (umupo na si Nessa at Nano nung time na yun), the manager told me, "Db ma'am kaibigan ka ni Miss Judy?" flustered, i told her, "ah yung manager every morning? Ah, oo.. kilala ko siya." And then the manager began telling the cashier guy na regular customer daw ako sa mcdo and so on...

so i was there and he was there, in between giving my order, the guy was asking things about me - like where i live, how old i am and also making comments how nice my smile is, whether i am married or if i have a boyfriend... yung mga ganung too weirdong mga tanong.

well, the questions and comments where somewhat personal but at that time, i was 'drinking it all in'...

weeks (probably months ago), i've been having a pity-party of my own - na pakiramdam ko, napakapangit ko and that i am worthless and that i am just a piece of trash. i have been struggling with these thoughts and feelings - na wala nang magmamahal sa akin, na wala akong kwentang tao because people that i care and love always leave me - intentionally or unintentionally.... i've grown so numb that even praises from close friends didn't even matter...

and this guy - who was simply taking my order while telling me how cute my smile is - this guy who by just looking at me made me feel very uncomfortable (in a nice, yet uncomfortable way), made me feel special... :)

then it hit me - naalala ko yung love ni Lord, naalala ko yung love ng papa ko, naalala ko yung love ng mga kapatid ko, naalala ko yung love ng mga friends ko... it's as if *boom* nawala lahat (if not, almost) yung painful feeling of being alone and left out.

AMAZING...

God, in all His majesty, used that less-than-five-minute conversation with a stranger.. He used that moment to 'say' to me that i am feel special and loved. GRABE talaga si Lord. Na-touch ako with the thought na, sa dami ng "inaasikaso" Niya sa mundo, he took time para i-address yung mga needs, hurts, wants and desires ko.

like me,
Paul (formerly known as Saul) had a five-minute-miracle with God at Damascus...
Moses had a five-minute-miracle near the burning bush
Hagar had a five-minute-miracle at the well (Mary Magdalene too!)
Mary had a five-minute-miracle while being informed that she'd be the mother of the Savior
the guy with Jesus on the cross had a five-minute-miracle with Jesus himself when He told him that at that very moment he will be with Jesus in heaven
and a lot more Biblical characters, who were saved, healed and delivered from evil, had a five-minute-miracle from God.

ang galeng ano?
ikaw,
have you had a five-minute-miracle of your own?
share mo naman!