....

i am back - half dead, half alive...

inasmuch as i want to say that i am doing pretty good- well, unfortunately I AM NOT. Had i logged in a week earlier or so, i'd probably say everything's fine and ok... not until LAST SATURDAY... when i found out something that broke my heart the nth time.

i know i shouldn't feel like this anymore, but i do. i know that i shouldn't have acted the way i did last sunday night but... well it happened. i feel sad and bad about it.

a few days ago before saturday... i heard this wonderful quote from ONE TREE HILL..
"EVERYDAY YOU WAIT IS ANOTHER DAY YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK AGAIN"

Ang sabi ko pa sa sarili ko, "Is this God's way of telling me that I have to do something? so that in the end, i wouldn't feel any regret at all?" After contemplating, i decided na sasabihin ko sa kaniya na I MISS HIM, I STILL LOVE HIM and I WANT HIM BACK. i would do anything, and everything para maging maayos kami. Even if it means waiting for him. ayoko na kasing maghanap ng iba.

And then saturday. A friend told me nagbigay siya ng teddy bear to some girl. FINALLY sunday came and he told our friends na meron na ngang iba.

I FELT NUMB. and STUPID. Ang pathetic ko talaga. I mean, people (close friends actually) say that he's not even worth it. but here i am - i waited for him for more than a year.. and all of those days went down the drain.

what can i say? masochist nga yata talaga ako,,,

and then i realized the other side of the quote
"EVERYDAY YOU WAIT IS ANOTHER DAY YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK AGAIN"

i will never get back those days that i have waited for him. and yes, sinayang ko ang mga araw thinking if him, how happy we would be kapag bumalik siya sa akin - sinayang ko ang mga sulat na sinulat ko para sa kaniya... sinayang ko ang mga kantang nilikha ko para kantahin sa kaniya kapag naging maayos na ang lahat. sinayang ko ang mga luha, mga dalangin, ang ilang oras na pagluhod na sana maging maayos ang lahat para sa amin.. sinayang ko ang mga pangarap.

next time (kung meron pang darating)
i'll make sure na mahal niya ako at mahal ko rin siya at mahal na mahal namin ang Panginoon. i'll still be waiting for him - the RIGHT person. yung totoong magmamahal sa akin - hindi lang puro pangako at salita.