for you

dear future wife,

please love yourself more.

of flowers and valentine's

dear future wife,

kung hindi mo pa alam... hindi ako mahilig sa bulaklak. kinikilabutan ako sa ideya na gagastos ka ng sobrang mahal sa isang bagay na mabubulok lang pagkatapos ng ilang araw.

kung iniisip mong bigyan ako ng bulaklak ngayong panahon na ito, please... converse na sapatos na lang. pareho lang naman ng presyo. tatagal pa sa akin ng kung ilang taon.

pero hindi ako magpapaka-ipokrita.

kanina, habang naglalakad ako patungo sa aking opisina... marami-rami akong nakitang mga babaeng may tangang gabundok na rosas sa kanilang mga bisig. may mangilan-ngilang magka-relasyon na naglalambingan sa daan. samu't saring tindahan ang nagsulputan na humihiyaw ng walang kasing-tamis na panunumpa ng pag-ibig at katapatan. sila na ang matamis!

naiinggit ako. oo.

iniisip ko kung ano ang pakiramdam na padalhan ng bulaklak. kinikilig ako. kumbaga, kahangalan ang sabihin na "sayang naman ang pera!" .. sapalagay ko, kung may gagawa sa akin nun - yung bigyan ako ng bulaklak - makakaramdam pa rin ako ng kilig.

oo, alam ko na magulo. ayaw ko, pero kapag iniisip ko na may magbibigay sa akin ng bulaklak (hinid yung recycled a) kikiligin talaga ako.

pero huwag kang mag-alala.

ikaw pa lang ay sapat na.

pagmumuni-muni

ilang beses mo na akong tinalikuran?
ilang beses mo na sinabi ang mga katagang "hanggang dito na lang?"
hindi mo alam kung gaano ako nasaktan
hindi mo alam kung ano ang aking napagdaanan

ilang beses mo pa ako papaasahin?
ilang beses pa ako magpapakatanga sa iyo?
hindi ko maintindinhan ang sarili ko
hindi ko na alam kung bakit ako ganito

sana, mamatay na lang ako
ganun din naman yung pakiramdam nung una mo akong iniwanan

some where, along the way
our paths crossed and life was never the same
well, at least for me, that was how i felt

For You, a Thousand Times Over

I found myself dreaming

In silver and gold

Like a scene from a movie

That every broken heart knows

We were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared
And then I was all alone

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted
'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby
Any chance that I get
I'll make the most of the minutes
And love with no regrets

Let's take our time to say what we want
Here's what we got before it's all gone
'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted
'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye
Wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted
'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

...

maramot
yan ang sinabi mo sa akin kanina
at hindi ko maintindihan, hindi matanggap ng pagkatao ko
na sinabihan mo ako ng ganyan

bakit?
dahil ba binura ko yung COC mo sa telepono ko?
dahil hindi ka maka-attack at nagagalit na yung mga kasama mo sa clan?

mas iniintindi mo pa yung sasabihin nung ka-clan mo
kesa sa nararamdaman ko

sana maging masaya ka riyan sa ginagawa mo.
kasi ako..
sa totoo lang..
hindi.

commissioned poem

dahil mas pinili mo na saktan ako..
dahil sinabi mo na mas mahal mo siya..
dahil mukhang hindi mo naman pinahalagahan kung ano namagitan sa atin..
dahil wala naman talagang "tayo"...

tinatapos ko na ang lahat.
itatago ko na ang mga bakas ng kahapon na pinagsaluhan natin
yung mga balat ng pagkaing binigay mo sa akin
yung pinambalot kong regalo para sa iyo
yung kwadernong ibibigay ko sana sa iyo

kakalimutan ko na ang lahat
yun din naman yung gusto mong gawin
hindi ba?

on kids...

they give the most honest comments (and most of the times, crazy!)
and show the purest random acts of love.

(",)

mahal na mahal kita

kung darating man

kung darating man ang pagkakataon, mahal
na mapagtanto mo na hindi pala ako
ang gusto mong makasama habang-buhay
uunawain kita
sapagkat ang pag-ibig, hindi kinakahon

kung darating man ang bukas
na hihilingin mong umalis
hindi ko man mararamdaman ang iyong yakap
hindi ko man mahahawakan ang iyong mga kamay
at hindi ko na maririnig ang iyong tinig
papalayain kita...
sapagkat ang pag-ibig, hindi kinukulong

kung darating man ang panahon
na naisin mong mapag-isa
hindi ko ipagsisiksikan ang sarili ko
hindi ko ipipilit ang gusto ko
kahit masakit
kahit hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko ang wala ka
hahayaan kita
sapagkat ang pag-ibig, mapagpalaya.


*sinulat ng humigit-kumulang limang minuto
ipagpaumanhin kung may mga pagkakamali

the girl who lived inside a box

there was once a girl who lived inside a box.

she thought she had everything inside the box - it was dark, but it was comfortable enough. it was peaceful and she believed that living inside the box is the most safest place in the world.

until one day, a small portion of the box peeled off showing a glimpse of the world outside. the girl peeked and saw strange things she never knew existed. it was noisy, the colors were too bright to her eyes... but that fleeting moment somehow gave her a nudge, and think differently - to question the "norm" and to ask "what if?"

the girl felt a certain uncertainty and started doubting herself, there was also a strong sense of curiosity - of an urge to go out and explore. she had to.

AND SHE DID.

the girl never came back inside the box.


sometimes, life has a way of waking you up and allowing you to see things in a different perspective.

the question is, are you willing to take the plunge or not?

that song...

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

#UnsentLetterSeries

"Research" led me to Shakira Sison's "Unsent Letters".

Last September.. i sent mine.

On a daily basis since the day I sent it, I'd check my email hoping to see my letter published.

I got the surprise of my life yesterday when I checked my email.

The letter was published last October 28th.

some days...

...i feel empty
...i feel sad
...i think and say bad things about other people

for you.. a thousand times over...

some words left unspoken
some promises left broken
some moments left unshared
some memories forgotten

some poems left unwritten
some songs left unsung
some letters left unsent
some secrets kept

you were my beautiful chaos
masterly crafted in such a way that brings awe and fear
you were an irony of emotions and everything in between
it's either we sink, or we swim...

Ang Pagbabalik

madalas...
nakakalimot ang isang tao
sa mga bagay na halos bumuo ng kaniyang pagkakakilanlan

ilang taon man ang lumipas
mananatili ang ugong ng nakaraan
na magbabalik
at muling magpapa-pintig ng pusong
matagal na hindi tumibok

magbabalik
ang mga pangarap na makailang-ulit
na nilubog ng kasalukuyan

at tulad ng along muli't-muling hahampas sa dalampasigan
gaya ng minsang awit na nalimutan

ang daluyong ng unang pag-ibig
ay manunumbalik
mas maalab
mas matapang

2013: Weird Dream

Nung isang araw, nanaginip ako:

Pinapagalitan ako ni TL Liz kasi umabsent ako kahapon kasi ang dahilan ko, namatay daw ang tatay ko. Sabi niya sa akin, "eh matagal nang patay ang tatay mo ah!"

Tapos, nung na-realise ko na patay na nga pala si papa, iyak daw ako nang iyak. hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero iyak ako nang iyak.

Nung nagising ako, ang sakit-sakit ng dibdib ko.

Napag-iwanan?

Earlier, I was browsing through friends' updates - most of them were about celebrating their kid(s)' honor/awards/recognition at school. Some parents tagged their friend and posted the pictures with certificate, awards, etc.




I suddenly felt this haunting feeling na I should feel sorry for myself because until now, I cannot REALLY say that I have a family of my own. I mean, as in baby/kid of mine.




... and then i realised - am i missing something? should i really  i took a deep breath and said to myself, no. I am happy just the way things are.

and I want to keep it that way.

suicide is NEVER an answer!

Everybody has something to say about a death of a UP Manila Student.

It is indeed very disheartening when a child takes his or her own life.  It could be true that one of the reasons why she took her life was because of financial difficulties faced by her family.

However, she is not alone with that problem. Billions of people are facing financial hardships.

I graduated from UP Manila. I had to file an LOA because my aunt couldn't pay my tuition fee. Back then, it was only Php 5000. I had to answer my batchmates' questions. I had to face inquiry from friends. I had to stop schooling because my aunt could not afford it.

I had to cope with it. I had no choice. I had to work.

But suicide never came into my mind. It just didn't.

I had not close family to turn to - my dad died a few years back then. My mom left us. My sister just gave birth at an early age of 17. My youngest sister was too young to understand.

I was on my own.

Ending one's life is not (and will never be) an answer to life's questions and difficulties.

It's so sad.

Nalilito

So I have all the time in the world to update my profile since I have free and fast access to the net at work. (somehow, this make me feel happy - and giddy - that I work for Financial Times!) . No more "hiding". tee-hee.

While browsing through my blog, napapangiwi ako sa mga grammar lapses... punctuation errors and mga corny notes. Hindi naman kasi ako nagpu-proofread. Anyway, since I cannot remember what my password was, I tried retrieving it on google - which I was successful enough to do so BUT ONLY TO FIND OUT na I retirieved my second blog - this blog.

So, I started blogging in 2005, purportedly created a new in 2007.

Ang weird ko talaga. I suddenly realised, I should have stayed with blog1. Wala pa rin naman nagco-comment. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Anyway, I will be keeping this blog na lang. Kahit nakakangiwi ang mga entries na nilalagay ko.