=(

dear God

today i went to see and greet his mom. i was actually thinking (and praying) on whether it is the right thing to do - to visit her or not. I don't want "he-who-must-not-be-named" think that I am using his mom to get him back, or to influence her (the mom) to like me better than the "replacement"...

but after so many sleepless (yes, i was really praying/thinking hard on that) nights and days... i wanted to see her (the mom) even if for the LAST TIME. i wanted to tell her how much i love her, and how much her family means so much to me. how thankful i am (truly grateful) for the love she (and her family) has showered me. for letting me experience (even if for a fleeting moment) that i belong, i am loved and i am important.

but i was not able to tell her how i feel - for her and her family.

i just hope, that someday, someone might read this message and tell MRS ROSIE LADDRAN how i love them so, how important their family is. and how bad it makes me feel just even thinking of the possibility that i may never see her again....