.: random rants:.

namimiss ko pa rin si rogie. ang laki talaga nang nawala sa buhay ko. but i have finally realized na "wala na nga talaga" .. based sa mga pinapakita niya sa akin at ugali niya towards sa akin, pati sa mga pananalita niya sa akin kapag kaming dalawa lang ang nag-uusap - ibang-iba na talaga. ayoko lang ng ganito ako, maraming pagkakataon kasi sa buhay ko na 'hopeful' pa rin ako na babalik siya sa akin, but it seems na hindi ganun ang mangyayari - ever.

ipokrita ako kung sasabihin kong ok lang, kasi hindi naman talaga OK. pero, wala naman na talaga akong magagawa. (eto yung 'worst' part nun - yung wala akong magawa.)

gusto kong magsulat ng marami pero nagugutom ako.
grabe, as in.
(kakain muna ako)

kristiyano o Kristiyano?

minsan, nahihirapan akong ipagmalaki na Kristiyano ako.
paano ba naman, marami akong ugaling "basag" gaya ng sobrang mainitin ang ulo, kulang sa pasensiya, at walang self control (lalo na kapag nagagalit)... kaya nagiging questionable si Christ sa buhay ko...

gusto kong isisi sa iba kung bakit ako nagkakaganito - kasi iniwanan nila ako, hindi nila ako mahal, o kung mahal man eh hindi naman nila ipinapakita o ipinapadama sa akina ang pagmamahal na iyon, at maraming-marami pang puwedeng maging dahilan - pero lahat ng ito ay isisisi ko pa rin sa aking sarili.

napakadali naman kasing sabihin ng mga "nagmamagaling" na tingnan mo ang mga bagay na mayroon ka -- na kung hindi man naibibigay ng isang partikular na 'grupo' ng tao ang pagmamahal at atensiyon na hinahanap mo, at least meron pa namang ibang grupo na nagpaparamdam ng suporta at pang-unawa nila sa iyo. madali LANG sabihin na andiyan naman si God na hindi nang-iwan kahit kailan lalo na kapag nag-iisa ka.... pero ang totoo, naghahanap ka ng actuwal na atensiyon - hindi theoretical.

ang gulu-gulo ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. parang kanina lang, i had a great time during the children's party tapos ngayon, basag na basag ang pakiramdam ko. pakiramdam ko, araw-araw na lang sinusubok ang pasensiya ko, para akong gini-grill at tine-test, na lagi akong nag-uundergo ng persecution - haaaaaayyyy....

tapos, makakarinig ka pa ng 'comment' sa isang taong mas masahol pa ang pag-uugali sa iyo - na para bang siya ay napakagalang sa kaniyang ama eh kapag Sunday nga ng umaga, ni hindi man lang pagbuksan ng pintuan.

naiinis ako.
hindi ko maipagtanggol ang sarili ko.

naiinis ako kasi
wala na akong peace sa buhay ko.

naiinis ako
kasi lagi na lang akong iniiwanan.

naiinis ako
...kasi wala akong magawa para mabago ang takbo ng buhay ko.
...kasi mahina ang pananampalataya ko
...kasi hindi ko maipadama sa Kaniya na mahal ko Siya
...kasi hindi ako maka-let go sa bitterness na meron ako ngayon
...kasi hindi ko nagawa ang pinakamainam ko sa kaniya during our relationship

naiinis ako

tulungan ninyo ako.
kailangan ko ng tulong...

the morning he said he'll never come back to me, i broke down. it's as if i lost an integral part of my life (which is actually true) - i lost my life's other half. i cried so hard, i fervently prayed and honestly opened myself to Him. i told Him, "i don't know what to do without him," that "i'll be a better person just give me one more chance (once LAST chance) with him and so on - i tried to bargain with God, because He is the only One who could make a difference. After hours of what seem to be eternity, i finally stopped crying and let Him soothe me. Memories came to me - it's as if I'm watching my life from a third person's view. those were memories of what i used to be when i was so much involved serving Him... those were the days when nothing else mattered to me but make Him happy.

it dawned to me. He was never the center of our relationship - it's as if He's merely an audience. and deep in my heart, i know that God never meant relationships to be that way - because He wants to be an active participant in our daily lives, day and night. that's why it happened. that's why we ended up parting ways.

i never imagined things to end this way (who would have, anyway) but i guess there's a bigger picture that i need to see - more than just the two of us.

this does not mean that life is better off without him.

this does not mean that the year we have spent together will be forgotten - because he is a person you cannot easily forget, and besides, i don't want to forget. it's just that life would never be the same without him.

while i am writing this, i want him back. but i know i can't , because he does not want to - anymore.

so i am back to the drawing board again -

all i have is a jar full of messages

a song left unheard

and a silent prayer that someday, somehow our love will bring us back together.

pray for me.

first & last

Your FIRST name:
- kristyn grace

FIRST thing na ginawa mo nang magising:
- tumulala

FIRST thing na inisip mo nang magising:
- "ayaw kong pumasok Lord"

FIRST na tao na inisip mo pagkagising:
- si rogie

FIRST na sinabi mo nang magising ka:
- "haaaayyyy"

FIRST song na narinig mo ng magising
ka:
- wala

FIRST na hinawakan mo nang magising ka:
- cellphone? hindi ko na maalala

FIRST thing na tinitingnan mo sa
guy/girl:
- mata at balikat

FIRST thing na hinahanap mo sa
guy/girl:
- may sense kausap

FIRST thing na nakakaturn-off para
sayo
sa guy/girl:
- maruming kuko

FIRST thing na gusto mo sa isang tao:
- masayahin

FIRST thing na ayaw mo sa isang tao:
- masyado maarte

FIRST thing na gusto mo sa sarili mo:
- kahit ano..

FIRST thing na ayaw mo sa sarili mo:
- pikon tsaka laging mainit ang ulo

FIRST time na nakausap mo crush mo:
- grade one?

BEST movie you watched:
- cinderella story and 50 first dates

LAST tv show you watched:
- 24 oras?

LAST song you heard:
- i'll be over you

LAST thing you bought:
- pagkain

LAST food you ate:
- tokyo-tokyo barkada meal A

LAST na ginawa mo d time u went out:
- kumain lang sa tokyo-tokyo kasi nag-hang ang ATM, nawala LAHAT ng pera ko!

LAST thing you said to yourself:
- miss mo siya kahit ayaw mong aminin

LAST person who chat u:
- yung girl sa Equitable call center, kim ata name nun.

LAST person na nakaaway mo:
- rogie

LAST alcoholic beverage you had:
- san mig light

LAST thing you'll do before sleeping
tonight:
- pray

Last letter of ur FULL name?
-n


Last thing u drank?
- water

Last song you listened to?
- ewan ko, hindi ko alam ang title ng pinatutugtog nila dito sa computer shop

Last thing u did? (before
answering this survey)
- nag-blog ng konti about my ATM mishap

Last movie you watched?
- hindi movie pero HANA YORI DANGO!!!!

Last time you cleaned your room?
- kahapon, i'll do it again later

Last CD/Cassette you bought?
- bossa

Last time you cried?
- kanina lang

Last person u added to ur
friendster list?
- di ko na matandaan.

Last website you browsed?
- yahoo.com

Last person u were thinking?(before
answering thiiz)
- ro ROGIE GOPEZ LADDRAN

Last time u felt sick?
- earlier when I got home..

Last 2 digits of ur home phone?
- 43

Last place you went to?
- Megamall

Last book u read?
- the Leadership of Jesus

Last person u adored?
- adored? ano ito? inalayan ng bulaklak???

Last person u bought a present for?
- si rogie ata.

Last person u said happy birthday
to?
- casey & Brian via LN

Last person who made you smile?
- si rogie - kasama ko siya kanina ..
natuwa ako sa kaniya...

ATM encounter

Lord,

why me?

sa lahat naman po ng mati-tiyempuhan na mag-hang ang ATM - ako pa...

ewan ko kung blessing in disguise, or talaga lang na he's my knight in shining armour ... prior kami magpunta ng mall... niloloko ko si nessa na tawagan namin si rogie para kasama naming magpunta ng mall - pero nag-back out ako kasi, wala naman ding logical na dahilan (kasi gusto ko siyang makasama)

tapos, because of that emergency - siya agad ang una kong naisipan na tawagan. Nessa was suggesting to call a lot of people - but I ended up dialing his number...

yun lang.

.:one word:.

1. Where is your cell phone?* church
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?* huh?
3. Your hair?* curly
4. your mother?* MIA
5. Your father?* heaven
6. Your favorite thing?* books
7. Your dream last night* (???)
8. Your favorite drink?* coke
9. Your dream car?* rav4!
10. The room you're in?* (room??)
11. Your sisters?* cool
12. Your fear/s?*
13. What do you want to be in 10 years?* happy
14. Who did you hang out withlastnight?* churchmates
15. What you're not good at?* patience
16. What/who do you hate?*
17. One of your wish list items?* LAPTOP!
19. The last thing you did?* sang
20. What are you wearing?* blouse (!!!)
21. what aren't you wearing?* earrings
22. Your pet?* none
23. Your computer?* none
24. Your life?* happy
25. Your mood?* numb
26. Missing?* him
27. What are you thinking about right now?* church
28. Your work?* astig
29. Your summer?* galera!
30. Your relationship status?* duh?
31. Your favorite?* reading
32. When is the last time you laughed?* last night
33. Last time you cried hard?* friday

new blog, new beginning

i have been meaning to create a new blogspot... not because i wanted to "forget" who i have become, but the posts in my previous blogspot led to so many arguments with the one we now call "ex", that ended up in creating a new one.

i wanted to retain my old "weirdkenx" name, but it seems inappropriate. i am not weird anyway, mostly misunderstood. hehehe. so, "kenkai12" is born....

why "kenkai12"?

for those who does not know (and does not care, either)

"kenkai" was my nickname when I was in college (well, one of the many - kenx, kenki, zenki, and yes, pukenx!)...i distinctively remember how i got that name - we were having this "ice breaker" activity during one of our pre-college seminars, the moderator (whatever the 'leader' is called) asked us to introduce ourselves by creating an adjective using the first letter of our name and act it out. I used "kenkoy kristyn" and marvyn gaerlan (his was "magical"), said "eh girl ka, it should be kenkai"... And the rest, they say, is history...

"12" is the day when i was born (january 12) and for some reason, i like the number "12". that's probably one of the reasons why i like the movie "Cheaper By the Dozen". basta, there is something mysterious that draws me near to number 12... (mystical music)

well, so life goes on. college friends and acquiantances call me "kenkai" (even my PUP 'friends'!) ... ironically, during our graduation, some of my friends were looking at the graduation list, they were all wondering who the heck was "KRISTYN GRACE H. JABSON" ... they were surprised when i said it was me - after all, they REALLY thought i was legally born "KENKAI JABSON" (heheheh) ....

SO THIS IS IT.

a new life

a new beginning

a new blogspot

a new online 'diary'.

this is where i vent, i curse, i dream dreams and build dreams...

this is where i'll share my hurts and pains, the smiles and tears...

this is where i make fun of myselfand others (well, hopefully not too much)

this is where i build my castle...

this is my 'home'

i hope you (the one reading this) not only enjoy what i write here but find strength amidst my chaotic life.

thanks and have fun!