...buhay pa ako...

yes,
i am alive.

sa mga taong nagtatanong if i still exist
yep.

sa mga taong gustong mabura na ako sa mundo...
well, sorry...

but i need to go..
NOW.

random rants

Ang galing talaga ni God, super!

Just want you to share what I just read a few minutes ago..
"the church focuses, generally, on issues like 'how to gain a good self-image' or 'how to be more effective in prayer' than it does to know God"
tama naman db?
masyado tayong nakatingin sa numbers, sa material things, when we should be concentrating on God and God alone. Takot tayo sa sasabihin ng iba, sa opinyon ng tao pero sa ang opinyon ni God ang nasasakripisyo...

strangers are angels

i have never been fond of talking to strangers... (yun bang.. ikaw yung unang makikipag-usap sa isang taong right then and there mo lang nakita/nakilala)

first, suplada lang talaga ako (i am sure a lot of you won't believe it, but yes.. i am suplada!)
second, hindi ko lang talaga feel na makipag-usap sa isang taong totally unknown to me - parang ang weird na bigla na lang ikaw feeling close sa someone na you've just meet, say, 2-3 minutes ago.

but God spoke to me in a different way...

umalis kami nina nessa para mag-take out sa mcdo - not knowing that God will speak to me in a manner that'll make me grin until now - so ayun nga.. we went out, shempre, yung guy (whoever he is) was with his manager at that time. nung tatanungin na ng crew kung ano ang order ko (umupo na si Nessa at Nano nung time na yun), the manager told me, "Db ma'am kaibigan ka ni Miss Judy?" flustered, i told her, "ah yung manager every morning? Ah, oo.. kilala ko siya." And then the manager began telling the cashier guy na regular customer daw ako sa mcdo and so on...

so i was there and he was there, in between giving my order, the guy was asking things about me - like where i live, how old i am and also making comments how nice my smile is, whether i am married or if i have a boyfriend... yung mga ganung too weirdong mga tanong.

well, the questions and comments where somewhat personal but at that time, i was 'drinking it all in'...

weeks (probably months ago), i've been having a pity-party of my own - na pakiramdam ko, napakapangit ko and that i am worthless and that i am just a piece of trash. i have been struggling with these thoughts and feelings - na wala nang magmamahal sa akin, na wala akong kwentang tao because people that i care and love always leave me - intentionally or unintentionally.... i've grown so numb that even praises from close friends didn't even matter...

and this guy - who was simply taking my order while telling me how cute my smile is - this guy who by just looking at me made me feel very uncomfortable (in a nice, yet uncomfortable way), made me feel special... :)

then it hit me - naalala ko yung love ni Lord, naalala ko yung love ng papa ko, naalala ko yung love ng mga kapatid ko, naalala ko yung love ng mga friends ko... it's as if *boom* nawala lahat (if not, almost) yung painful feeling of being alone and left out.

AMAZING...

God, in all His majesty, used that less-than-five-minute conversation with a stranger.. He used that moment to 'say' to me that i am feel special and loved. GRABE talaga si Lord. Na-touch ako with the thought na, sa dami ng "inaasikaso" Niya sa mundo, he took time para i-address yung mga needs, hurts, wants and desires ko.

like me,
Paul (formerly known as Saul) had a five-minute-miracle with God at Damascus...
Moses had a five-minute-miracle near the burning bush
Hagar had a five-minute-miracle at the well (Mary Magdalene too!)
Mary had a five-minute-miracle while being informed that she'd be the mother of the Savior
the guy with Jesus on the cross had a five-minute-miracle with Jesus himself when He told him that at that very moment he will be with Jesus in heaven
and a lot more Biblical characters, who were saved, healed and delivered from evil, had a five-minute-miracle from God.

ang galeng ano?
ikaw,
have you had a five-minute-miracle of your own?
share mo naman!

money matters

i joined our team's "paluwagan" and i was really anticipating the day i get my 'sweldo'.

it's not too much but the promise of getting a large sum of money is really exciting! imagine, i get to buy the stuff that i REALLY want. the day drew near - but the euphoria was spoiled by the fact that our account is having some 'problems' and the client wants to 'lower the cost' - which means lowering down the number of people...

the excitement gone, i just went to buy gifts for my inaanaks and friends (which turned out pretty well), but only to find out that almost all of it - gone with the wind!

i have discussed this with a colleague, and we both agreed na ambilis mawala ng pera.

kaya hindi talaga dapat ilagay ang tiwala sa pera - o sa kahit anong bagay o sa kahit sinong tao sa mundo.

kasi, madali silang nawawala.

buti si God, hindi.

i have learned that...

today was a very sad day for me and the whole team i am working with. unexpectedly, we had people who got terminated simply because the "upper-level" said so.

it is unfair. and unprofessional.

there were things i have learned:

1. that you can never trust people, more so the company you are working with, simply because NOTHING and NO ONE IS STABLE. time and time again, i have been reminded of the saying that "Change is the only thing that's constant in this world"

2. that i need not to worry because it will not help me in any way. God simply said to let tomorrow worry for itself...

3. that sincerity works best in silence. whatever words that come out of one's mouth, if not from the heart, you won't feel anything.

4. that people should be cherished, loved and respected the earliest possible time.

5. that you need not wait for the perfect opportunity to say nice things about a person, because that time may never come and it's too late for you to let them know.

6. that the more you know a person, the harder it is to let them go..

7. that good people turns bad... (in situations like this)

8. that most companies think more of money that good and hardworking people that work for them.

9. that no matter how you perform well, it's not enough to satisfy them. all they want you to do and think about is work, work, and work... and if they do not want you, they simply throw you away...

10. that a team won't be the same without Joanne, Vane, Arlene, Jocee, Joel, Bryan, Ian, and Naw. it will never be.

11. that this is not the end...

my heart's desire

Lord,these are my desires - my heart's desires... and i lay them all to you

- maging maayos ang pamilya (spiritually)
- makapagaral na si Jamie at makatapos na siya ng pag-aaral
- magkaroon ng maayos na trabaho si ate
- maayos ang mga gamit sa church
- magkaroon ng YA fellowship sa church (regular) na intimate ang worship ang fellowship with You
- maayos ang mga Hallelujah Kids, na sana wag nilang lagyan ng kulay ang fellowship ng mga bata sa kung anuman na pulitikal na dahilan
- magkaroon ng ka-interfelowship na YA sa AG at buong Pasig
- magkaroon ng laptop
- magkaroon ng bike
- magkaroon ng sariling bahay
- makilala ko na ang God's will ko next year (kasi Lord, gusto ko na po talagang magkapamilya!)

NOT MY WILL, BUT YOUR WILL PO ANG MASUNOD.
amen

no longer a memory

yesterday morning (oct 26) i was having doubts kung tutuloy pa ba ako sa master's commission -- medyo makulimlim kasi (alam mo yun, mas masarap mahiga at manood ng dvd or makinig ng gospel music)... but in all honesty, tinatamad ako. tsaka, nag-iisa lang ako. tapos, wala na talaga akong pera - yung huling P1,000 na lang na naipon ko ang gagastusin ko hanggang sa susunod na sweldo.

pero hindi ko maintindihan - may kurot akong nararamdaman, mahinang kurot pero alam mong "holy kurot"....

let me tell you the story behind the story...

i think it was 2000, or 1999 perhaps when God allowed me to witness a ministry that forever changed my life. that was the first Blueprints Conference, held in BBC when God "introduced" me to this young talented and on-fire Christians (much, much younger than me) dancing under the powerful annointing of the Holy Spirit. Yes, they REALLY have talents (and Praise God for that), but most importantly, the Spirit of the Lord was dwelling in them - ang galing! bawat kumpas ng kamay, bawat bagsak ng paa, bawat ekspresyon sa mukha, ibang klase. ibang-ibang-iba ang pakiramdam ko nun. i know, God was telling me something.

from then on, i decided, kailangang maging part ako ng master's commission. kailangan na makasali ako sa kahit isa sa mga workshops nila at maging part ng isang batch.

but you know what? it never happened. i've meet Christians, who became part of the MC workshops (we even borrowed tapes from them para gawin namin sa church), my cousin who is a missionary in X was also trained by MC, last year duon pa sa church natulog ang ilang grupo ng MC-Olongapo (pero hindi ko alam na me workshop pala!) and that very same event, kasama kami ng mga 'newly graduates' ng MC na magstep-call sa isang daughter church namin (mismo!)

i asked the Lord, "kailan ba darating ang time ko?"

and now this - merong opportunity. the sunday before the workshop, our associate pastor told me na meron daw workshop. FINALLY! the moment i have been waiting for!

tapos, the very morning ng 'conference' bigla akong tinamad. BUT OUR GOD IS A GOD OF PURPOSE. alam kong Siya ang dahilan kaya ako naging part ng 2-day conference na ito.

BLESSED...

then i heard a story of a brother (whom i do not know personally but will forever challenge me) a 16-year old kid named Christian Marasigan who died because of a seemingly innocent accident. his story reminded me of how little time i have... and his story stirred up an overwhelming wake up call. his death proves that compared to eternity, our life here on earth is but short.

BLESSED...

then there's the lesson of the ants - how these little creatures inspired a movement that is shaking and will shake nations... "MISSION SWARMING"

BLESSED...

a revelation of how much we owe our Muslim brothers - an enlightenment... that more to what the news tells about them (labelling them as terrorists, etc), that they are our brothers whom God has blessed, and will bless,

BLESSED...

that more to becoming a part of a team, is becoming a part of an extended family - unseen yet heard of.

BLESSED...
because more to knowing Christ, more to making Him known
is a realization that i am here and i can make a diffence.

amen